We reach our hands up towards the sky

Proclaiming everything is fine.

I reach my hands up towards the sky,

I'm asking why

I'm asking why

because everything is wrong

and my emotions have all been flipped

We're talking about the joy in it.

All I can ask is what is this.

And this is absence.

And it's all I've ever known

It's all I've ever know.

I am alone 

I am alone

so my parents reacted really well to me basically failing out of school.

when i didn't get into Eastern, my mom asked me what I was thinking.

I said "I fxxxed up...bad"

she said, completely calm, "well yeah, but you've finally learned that"

and then we talked about a plan.

and what I'm going to do for the fall.

and who I should be calling on Monday.

and I didn't get in trouble at all.

my parents were completely cool about it.

and I'll probably be at either Washtenaw of OCC for the fall

and I'll try for Eastern again in the winter.

I'm not happy.

with this, or much else.

i just want to hear the sound of your breathing

i don't even mind much, that my own is ceasing

it's enough to know you're alive

even if i don't have much time

i wasted it all on you

i wasted it all.

it's time to be born again

and maybe i'll meet you then

i'll probably meet you then.

but goddamn i'd bet i do it over again.

and i'll waste it all on you.

as long as i hear you breathing.

You say "It's just my skin

 commiting these misdeeds"

"It's not my sin 

just a disease

Strip this skin from my bones

and you'll know, it isn't me"

But you'd better know

better rip out your heart.

before it's stone.

Just know you got to talk it out

Just know you can't break it down

And now when i see you

My stomach is down  in the soles

of my feet.

You say you're changing

You've changed

You'll change

No one ever changes

glad that it only seems to apply to me.

glad that nothing has actually change over the years

glad im just not included

ha, yeah right.

They all say, 
'I'm sorry boy, you shouldn't fly with her kind.
They found a way out of God's love.'

why do i even bother.

I want to be the heart.

I'm so sick of being expendable

You're the head, I'm so far

Away

And my actions just don't hold

I just want You to notice me

But I don't want you to notice me

Not always

I'm not ready to be that.

What I am isn't Your heart

But I know I'm in it.

Always

I want to be the heart

These words, just crooked lines.

Wrote out in a mess, some intertwined

And we put so much meaning

In what these crooked lines mean.

But in all reality, these words,

Nothing.

And the writer the same.

It's about the Writer who writes the man

That puts so much faith in these crooked lines

When that Writer knows,

All that really matters is "I am"

and that I am not.

i don't feel close at all anymore.

We all deserve something

I would love it if i wasn't last rung on this damned ladder.

movies i can't wait to see:

Where The Wild Things Are

Funny People

The Soloist

Away We Go

The Proposal

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

we need to think that our hearts beat louder than shotguns sing

I am incredibly stressed right now man.

Thursday I have a 7 page paper due

I have an Art History Midterm.

and I have a History test.

only 5 weeks of school left and I feel like I'm drowning in it

I need a good day this weekend really.

just a nice relaxing day where things seem to go how I want.

ya know?

you brought me here, now take me home

Crave was something unexpected.

In a great way.

A lot is just falling into place right now.

And mainly because I want it to

And I'm letting it happen.

from last week or so, I decided

I don't need to wait for something to happen to be on fire for God

So I decided to just be that.

then I find out about a Bible class.

so I'll take that.

Then Josh talks about a lot of problems that I have in his teaching.

so I'll fix that.

I need a job, and so far it seems one has fallen to me.

so I'll take that.

As for actual decisions I've had to make,

I want to really dive into my Bible

So I bought a new one and asked Josh what would be good to start with.

I'm starting James tonight.

Noah asked me if I'd be at church Sunday and why i usually am not there.

Well I'm going.

As for Crave.

It was something I never really experienced before.

I've been in our group when we've had intense prayer before

where everyone cries and everyone feels connected.

but something was different after this.

nothing I can actually describe.

except from my reaction when I looked out the window when Crave had ended.

"how is it nothing out there has changed"

and you kill me by doing nothing

i always come on here wishing i could say something super profound, but i got nothing.

but in the effort to do so i'll just steal one

the unexamined life is not worth living, man.

-Socrates ["man" added by demetri martin, makes it more personal]

well thats what ive been doing.

just looking at myself my life.

and how i've basically been just screwing around lately

i want to support myself. 

not just financially, but in everything

in my faith mostly actually.

i don't want to be using people as a crutch

i don't mean i shouldn't ask for help or want accountability

but i mean leaching off people

not even taking in opinions

or whatever, just regurgitating there own opinions.

i'm changing and i can tell.

and i kinda like it.

and I will love you even when you won't let me

I've kind of been waiting for some sort of jumping point.

you know, like to start really taking things seriously

waiting for a sort of "camp" experience and then i'd really start to

shape who i am.

that is such a horrible way of living.

really. it was stupid.

i don't need a jump start.

i need to see clearly and thats it.

i need to make moves to make myself better

i don't need a summer camp or something to get on  a God high

i need to want to be there.

and I do.

So if I asked you to stay,

You'll remind me that your mind's made up

And you've had enough of us

And I'd say wait...

I hold my breath and wait for your reaction

Stand my ground 'cause I'm not ready to back down

Oh I know but where could I go?

I'll wait for your reaction: Wait for your reaction

I don't think that i talk to anyone

about how I actually feel anymore

so my mom might be putting herself down on a job transfer list.

which means she is agreeing to be interviewed for a job that will

take her out of state, in this case Louisville, Kentucky.

I'm kind of encouraging the move.

I'm not really sure why, but i know i'd like the opportunity to get away

even though i technically can't, since as long as i stay a resident of MI

and go to a MI school, its already been paid for.

but still, I'd get to go away for a little i'd suppose

i feel like i need that.

remind me not to try and do anything special for people.

so i missed taking a test in my history class

just because of i wasn't feeling well and wrote down the

wrong date for the test which my teacher called a "mini-midterm"

I've kind of been freaking out about it for the last week

because I'm not supposed to be allowed to take it now

according to my teachers rule that if you miss a test due to

illness you need a doctor's note to take the test on a make

up day, so i sent her an e-mail, telling her that it was a huge mistake 

on my part and that i would no longer cause any problems like this

and asked her to make an exception to her rule.

and thank God, she did and I can take the test on Tuesday

what a huge relief. last night i couldn't sleep because all I 

could think about was that I already completely screwed up

my semester and my parents were going to get super pissed

and i'd relive the yelling i got this winter break

and my parents would go through with everything

they said they would do.

I feel so much better now.

i am sitting in my history class

knowing all of this stuff already.

i think we just went over WW1

in about 10 minutes if that

in High School we spent a whole class talking just about the sinking of the Lusitania

my teachers sort of a little prick of a woman

i want to take a vacation

but not a real vacation

just a weekend thing.

my birthday just isn't important.

i'm worth more than the sum of all parts.

I'm sick of it.

i'm tired of being taken for granted

and how plans i want to make never hold any importance

i hate how i put forth so much effort for nothing.

i hate that when i get upset about something

its "me overreacting"

or whatever i hate it so much.

I wish I could really figure myself out.

Actually, I think I can figure myself .

I take that back again, for the most part, I already have figured myself out.

I desperately try my hardest to have people like me, have them be happy with me etc.

No matter what that actually means, in terms of the effects on myself.

I pretend that I don't care about some small things.

Just so someone doesn't have to know that, yeah it sort of hurts.

With an even bigger issue, school.

I really don't want to be here, I don't know if I just want to be somewhere else

I really don't know, but today i really just felt like leaving.

Not just school, but here, i wanted to just go and drive 

and end up somewhere, and just start over.

I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.

So, it's been 3 days, just about, since I got back to school. And it's been about what I thought it would be, not fun and all that. I think once I start commuting to school next fall wherever it is I am going next fall, that it'll be better. I hate being what seems like so far away from everyone. Right now my car is still in the body shop for the dumbest thing ever, scratches, seriously scratches. My mom wants to get the scratches fixed before the car is turned in for a new one, which should be pretty soon. So any day now I'll get a phone call saying my car is ready, and then somehow someone needs to pick it up from the body shop. Then tomorrow or Friday night I'll get picked up from school, and be home for the weekend with my car. Then no school monday, so I'll be back at school Monday night.

In terms of my schedule, it isn't too bad.

I have and easy Monday/Wednesday 

then my Tuesday/Thursday is a long day

MW: Math (11:45-12:35) Astronomy (12:45-2:40)

TT: Math (8:30-9:25) Art History (9:35-11:10) English (11:45-1:10) History (1:25-2:50)

so yeah, I don't mind my schedule, my Astronomy class is pretty boring right now, like so far since its the first days of class, it's almost exactly like my 6th grade science class. It should get better and everything once we're out of the basic stuff. I'm actually in my Astronomy class now. for the next hour and a half.... oh well. i miss being home... well not actually being home, but being closer to friends i guess. i don't know what I mean. i like Death Cab For Cutie.

breaks kinda really sucked.

i've done almost nothing at all.

my family has been stressed about a ton of stuff

and have been easily irritable and there's been a bunch

of fights mainly between my parents and my brother.

speaking of him, my ipod was stolen and he owes

me money for a new one. me and him also fought a bunch

and when we fight it usually isn't with words and such.

well he was here almost from the beginning of my break

and he stayed i think 3 days longer than he planned on.

so we fought over the car and i was left with no car a couple times

my car was stuck in the snow for a few days too.

and now my brother is finally gone, i have the house to myself throughout

the day and my parents say now is the time to take in my car to get

scratches repaired. so once again i am carless.

for the past 3 days ive been completely stuck at home

with no car.

atleast i'm pretty sure i have plans for tomorrow and i hopefully can end break on a good note.

im fully aware of what i said...

but when nothing changes

the same things keep happening

its so easy to just fall back