and you kill me by doing nothing

i always come on here wishing i could say something super profound, but i got nothing.

but in the effort to do so i'll just steal one

the unexamined life is not worth living, man.

-Socrates ["man" added by demetri martin, makes it more personal]

well thats what ive been doing.

just looking at myself my life.

and how i've basically been just screwing around lately

i want to support myself. 

not just financially, but in everything

in my faith mostly actually.

i don't want to be using people as a crutch

i don't mean i shouldn't ask for help or want accountability

but i mean leaching off people

not even taking in opinions

or whatever, just regurgitating there own opinions.

i'm changing and i can tell.

and i kinda like it.

and I will love you even when you won't let me

I've kind of been waiting for some sort of jumping point.

you know, like to start really taking things seriously

waiting for a sort of "camp" experience and then i'd really start to

shape who i am.

that is such a horrible way of living.

really. it was stupid.

i don't need a jump start.

i need to see clearly and thats it.

i need to make moves to make myself better

i don't need a summer camp or something to get on  a God high

i need to want to be there.

and I do.

So if I asked you to stay,

You'll remind me that your mind's made up

And you've had enough of us

And I'd say wait...

I hold my breath and wait for your reaction

Stand my ground 'cause I'm not ready to back down

Oh I know but where could I go?

I'll wait for your reaction: Wait for your reaction

I don't think that i talk to anyone

about how I actually feel anymore

so my mom might be putting herself down on a job transfer list.

which means she is agreeing to be interviewed for a job that will

take her out of state, in this case Louisville, Kentucky.

I'm kind of encouraging the move.

I'm not really sure why, but i know i'd like the opportunity to get away

even though i technically can't, since as long as i stay a resident of MI

and go to a MI school, its already been paid for.

but still, I'd get to go away for a little i'd suppose

i feel like i need that.

remind me not to try and do anything special for people.

so i missed taking a test in my history class

just because of i wasn't feeling well and wrote down the

wrong date for the test which my teacher called a "mini-midterm"

I've kind of been freaking out about it for the last week

because I'm not supposed to be allowed to take it now

according to my teachers rule that if you miss a test due to

illness you need a doctor's note to take the test on a make

up day, so i sent her an e-mail, telling her that it was a huge mistake 

on my part and that i would no longer cause any problems like this

and asked her to make an exception to her rule.

and thank God, she did and I can take the test on Tuesday

what a huge relief. last night i couldn't sleep because all I 

could think about was that I already completely screwed up

my semester and my parents were going to get super pissed

and i'd relive the yelling i got this winter break

and my parents would go through with everything

they said they would do.

I feel so much better now.

i am sitting in my history class

knowing all of this stuff already.

i think we just went over WW1

in about 10 minutes if that

in High School we spent a whole class talking just about the sinking of the Lusitania

my teachers sort of a little prick of a woman

i want to take a vacation

but not a real vacation

just a weekend thing.