well i only really need to leave my room now for food.

occasionally and such.

i hate knowing who can read this.

i feel like if i write about them than its just like attacking them 

or whatever.

january 5th-11th will probably be the best time of break.

based on the sole fact ill have the house completely to myself

and my brother will be gone

and my parents will be at work

and ill still probably have no life.

i really hate myself sometimes

not like really myself, but my personality

or whatever 

basically what i mean is im fricken pathetic.

in modern news of what have i been doing with my life:

sitting in bed all day watching Daria on youtube.

i went through 5 seasons and 2 movies in a few days

and i started it all over today.

occasionally i'll venture out and play video games

then go back in my room.

so yeah, no life.

and that isn't even a quarter of the reason why i am

pathetic. go figure

so sick of people.

my brother's an idiot

which aggravates my parents

to say the least. so they yell at him

and i get pulled into that now.

somehow. for everything i do wrong

and just so much yelling and everything

other people just hating me for some reason

or another, i don't know anymore

I'm starting to see why there are people that hate the holidays.

so it kinda sucks it took me this long to realize it

and it really sucks what it took for me to realize it

but that's what it took.

i took me failing a class and withdrawing from another

to realize two things, i now have a greater understanding

of how much my parents really do care about me and my

future. and it made me realize that i'm kind of retarded

in a "i think i'm smart way" I think that I can just get by

like in school, i think i can just get by doing almost nothing

just like in high school doing the bare minimum and i'd

get by okay, and now i know that that is complete crap.

I'm not that smart, I need to actually try.

and hopefully, my parents will see that this

horrible semester actually made me learn something

and they'll not be as pissed as i think they're going to be

which is i think they're going to kill me

so basically anything ending with me alive is pretty good. 

sometimes i wish i didn't see somethings that i do.

i'll read something and its just something

that i don't want to know or think about at all

one week left.

after a miserable college semester

i have one week left.

i've gone through a change in my major

i'm failing 1 class possibly two.

i hate living in Detroit.

so where's the good?

well, i've finally learned something

after 12 years of having problems in school

because i had absolutely no work ethic 

i didn't care. and i didn't need to to get passing grades

now i do.

now i care a little.

a little, school still isn't top priority for me

and i honestly never want it to be.

i never want to become the person

who holds school or work more highly

than friends and people in general.

i've already seen people like that.

they aren't happy. and most of them are confused

why they're not.

i'm excited to spend the next month doing nothing

before i have to look for a job and such.

any suggestions on where i apply?

oh on a very side not, my sleep pattern is the most screwed up

i think its ever been. im going to sleep no earlier then 3am

and waking up no earlier than noon. and since i got coffee

on friday morning and then went back to bed, it feels like im a day ahead

like right now its actually sunday, but it feels like a monday for me.

oh well. night

so i have a lot of cram work i'll be doing early this week

i have two projects in design to start/finish.

ones due tuesday, the other is due thursday.

and i've got 3 papers to write for tuesday.

1 and a half 4 page papers. one 250 word essay.

my design class though, its hard to care about

since i'm going to change majors this class counts for nothing

nothing at all. not even like a general art class.

so yeah pointless. i keep thinking back to something Ashley said.

something like how she wishes so much of this world didn't ride on

what education you have or money or the combination of the two.

i'm not too sure how she said it, but that she wished that the person

mattered a lot more than the stats. i feel i could be much happier 

without this all, i feel like i'm just wasting it. i don't even know what i

want to really do. i mean, i want to be a good Godly man, i want to

get married and be a good loving husband, i want to be the best friend

i can be for the people i love. the rest, what seems like people make out

as the important stuff, i don't care. people are more important than 

money, which is why i never mind paying for a friend if it means we 

get to do something together. which is why i don't really care what 

"career" i have. sure i could be happy teaching, but you know, i 

think i would be just as happy in some random manager position

at a small store somewhere. because it won't be the job or the money

making me happy, but it'll be God and the people God has in my life.

but my parents would never be okay with the sort of "drifting" life

i'd like i guess, and as for now i suppose their entitled to see me do

what they want. college is just stressful. and yeah i'm not going to lie

i probably made it way more stressful than it should have been

i'm behind in all my classes. and yeah that's my fault.

but for the most part this semester school took a back seat to emotions

i hated being in detroit. i hated the people minus my roommate that were

at the school. i hated being away from people i care about. and i was lonely.

i'm still lonely. i still feel all that too. and i'm still stuck there.

but i have about 2 weeks i think and then i'm off for a month.

and i'm excited for Christmas, to be able to see smiles I caused.

my parents will probably well, no they'll for sure be upset with my

grades unless i drastically change something in two weeks somehow

for two of my classes. but it'll be Christmas and it really is impossible for 

my parents to stay too upset for long into the season. and like i said

i'm changing majors next semester, and schools next fall

so a lot of this work is almost meaningless and hopefully they'll see that

and they'll be upset at my work ethic that i've showed. but see it through

my eyes. i don't know. i'm not really sure what i had to say at all in this.

i guess i just wanted to ramble. goodnight.

hmm thanksgiving.

i've never really looked forward to thanksgiving

when i was little, we would go to some cousins house

and my mom's whole side of the family would be there

so its one of those things where i know 5 people

and don't know another 50.

but those 50 i don't know all knew me,

i always hated that. though the dinner itself wasn't so bad

then the cousin who put the whole shebang on got too old

or too sick or something to keep doing it

so then for the next couple years my mom cooked dinner

at our house with just our close family, which was fine

nothing special really. now since my uncle has remarried

we have thanksgiving at their house. again which is fine

but boring. i don't know where i'm really going here.

so yeah thanksgiving really doesn't hold any significance to me

i'm really excited for Christmas though.

it'll be good for one just to get out of school for awhile

my grades kind of suck. well two of my classes will

two of them i think im doing okay to fairly well in.

and im changing my major to teaching.

im not even talking about what i feel like right now

ha. whatever. i like listening to the Bible while I'm driving alone

got through all of John between today and yesterday.

every time Jesus say "I am" just i don't really know

i feel a little something just a sense of awe or something.

i'm just trying to be okay lately.

i dont think people get it.

under george bush the country went to crap.

for a lot of reasons

some his fault, others uncontrollable.

and its a very common trend, when a president is not liked

the next president will be the opposing parties candidate

regardless if he is a better fit than the new candidate

of the former presidents party.

so George Bush, being Republican, is the main reason

that Obama will win the election.

then you can add to the fact Obama is a minority and 

appeals to minority voters.

(Sarah Palin being a VP nominee, doesn't insure crap

in terms of the women vote for McCain at all)

that makes it almost a predictible landslide.

and Obama is not the end of the world,(anti-Christ theories aside)

regardless whether or not he is a better suited candidate

its basically all settled now, so just pray for guidance for the new president

pray for safety especially. and just let time go on.

God's watching carefully, feel protected by that if you can't be okay

with whoever the president is, you answer to a much higher power

i wish:

that i was happy, like really happy with any of my relationships.

that i actually had some kind of life.

that school didn't absolutely suck.

that i didn't put myself in that school sucking situation.

that i could really truly change.

that i didn't feel like my new picture on flickr frequently.

and still:

all of that just makes me excited or tomorrow

not like the literal tomorrow

i mean i have a dentist appointment at 10:45

and a horrible sleeping problem

so not excited for that but

excited and terrified for the future.

but maybe its good to be scared. 

so, im kind of really pissed that this guy exsits

a professional photographer with the name... wait for it...

bill streicher

who has websites like

www.billstreicher.com

and

www.streicherphoto.com

 yeah, i find it stupid.

i feel like now if i ever want to

make a full website or whatever

i need to use a fricken pseudonym.

and thats just not fair

i should sue.

college sucks actually. regardless of anything I may have said before about liking it here. i think it took two very specific things to make me fully realize this though. hearing how much Ashley loves bowling green and school there. and then cody telling me he doesn't think he will come back to Wayne next semester. and it might be just Wayne sucks really. me and cody talked about it. living in detroit really sucks. the only place i really feel safe riding my bike by myself is on my campus which is like one block, not big at all. and no one is here on weekends. and everyone is pretty much inside the dorms or hanging out right in front of them by like 8 o'clock because theres nothing really on campus to do and not too many places in detroit you can feel safe just hanging out, except maybe Greektown. then add on the fact I'm failing Art History. I'm failing my Math class. and until i turn in my English paper I'm probably failing that, which isn't a big deal, as soon as i turn in that paper I'll have a good grade in the class again. but i don't know i really am not happy in school. or with school. or however you want to say it. I'm not sure where i could go where that opinion would change or whatever but i don't know. I don't like it here. I'm sick of people waking me up at 2 in the morning because they're screaming in the hallway or hanging out outside my room in the hallway until 4 or later. I hate how i feel unsafe taking my camera out when I'm around campus. i don't know what I want to do, but i don't really want to be here.

10-11-08

well, first time ever using this. i guess its cool. i had a photoshoot with this super cool girl. and even though excited as i was about this shoot i'm so much happier that it basically turned into just hanging out with ashley[pictured] and lynette hah now, i've known ashley for so long. like in grade school we knew each other but we didn't really talk until about 7th grade and then i haven't talked to her since about 9th other than like you know, saying hi at shows or  whatever. so really i had no idea what kind of person she became in those years. i could generally assume who she became by the mutual friends we had and so on, but i never really knew.

and honestly, i couldn't have been happier today to find out who she is. recently broken up with someone she loved. and still happier than ever.

she could just look on the positive of life and just be happy, and it was thanks to God.

and she knew it was because of God. which is surprising to me, just because of the people

i kept in contact with from my grade school not many of them grew up and into a relationship

with Christ. and it made me really happy to see someone who did, who really could get it. then add on the fact we got to go all nostalgic about St. Mikes which since i don't talk to any of those kids anymore , i don't really get that. so usually when everyone is just talking about things or people from early in life i'm on the outside of it looking in, and it really felt great to just be able to be in that, you know. a lot of times it really hurts to think that the friends i made early in life and throughout pretty much my sophomore year of high school i don't talk to at all, there's no attempt for communication so it felt really good, really really good, to hang out with ashley tonight.it's weird, i probably would never had said that i missed a friendship or anything like that with ashley before tonight. but now, it really hit me that i did. I honestly cannot explain how happy it made me to see the kind of person she has become, so even though she'll probably never read this, thanks ashley. hah i'm not too sure what to  thank you for, but i really only feels right to thank you.