We reach our hands up towards the sky

Proclaiming everything is fine.

I reach my hands up towards the sky,

I'm asking why

I'm asking why

because everything is wrong

and my emotions have all been flipped

We're talking about the joy in it.

All I can ask is what is this.

And this is absence.

And it's all I've ever known

It's all I've ever know.

I am alone 

I am alone

so my parents reacted really well to me basically failing out of school.

when i didn't get into Eastern, my mom asked me what I was thinking.

I said "I fxxxed up...bad"

she said, completely calm, "well yeah, but you've finally learned that"

and then we talked about a plan.

and what I'm going to do for the fall.

and who I should be calling on Monday.

and I didn't get in trouble at all.

my parents were completely cool about it.

and I'll probably be at either Washtenaw of OCC for the fall

and I'll try for Eastern again in the winter.

I'm not happy.

with this, or much else.

i just want to hear the sound of your breathing

i don't even mind much, that my own is ceasing

it's enough to know you're alive

even if i don't have much time

i wasted it all on you

i wasted it all.

it's time to be born again

and maybe i'll meet you then

i'll probably meet you then.

but goddamn i'd bet i do it over again.

and i'll waste it all on you.

as long as i hear you breathing.

You say "It's just my skin

 commiting these misdeeds"

"It's not my sin 

just a disease

Strip this skin from my bones

and you'll know, it isn't me"

But you'd better know

better rip out your heart.

before it's stone.

Just know you got to talk it out

Just know you can't break it down

And now when i see you

My stomach is down  in the soles

of my feet.

You say you're changing

You've changed

You'll change

No one ever changes

glad that it only seems to apply to me.

glad that nothing has actually change over the years

glad im just not included

ha, yeah right.

They all say, 
'I'm sorry boy, you shouldn't fly with her kind.
They found a way out of God's love.'

why do i even bother.

I want to be the heart.

I'm so sick of being expendable

You're the head, I'm so far

Away

And my actions just don't hold

I just want You to notice me

But I don't want you to notice me

Not always

I'm not ready to be that.

What I am isn't Your heart

But I know I'm in it.

Always

I want to be the heart

These words, just crooked lines.

Wrote out in a mess, some intertwined

And we put so much meaning

In what these crooked lines mean.

But in all reality, these words,

Nothing.

And the writer the same.

It's about the Writer who writes the man

That puts so much faith in these crooked lines

When that Writer knows,

All that really matters is "I am"

and that I am not.

i don't feel close at all anymore.

We all deserve something

I would love it if i wasn't last rung on this damned ladder.

movies i can't wait to see:

Where The Wild Things Are

Funny People

The Soloist

Away We Go

The Proposal

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

we need to think that our hearts beat louder than shotguns sing

I am incredibly stressed right now man.

Thursday I have a 7 page paper due

I have an Art History Midterm.

and I have a History test.

only 5 weeks of school left and I feel like I'm drowning in it

I need a good day this weekend really.

just a nice relaxing day where things seem to go how I want.

ya know?

you brought me here, now take me home

Crave was something unexpected.

In a great way.

A lot is just falling into place right now.

And mainly because I want it to

And I'm letting it happen.

from last week or so, I decided

I don't need to wait for something to happen to be on fire for God

So I decided to just be that.

then I find out about a Bible class.

so I'll take that.

Then Josh talks about a lot of problems that I have in his teaching.

so I'll fix that.

I need a job, and so far it seems one has fallen to me.

so I'll take that.

As for actual decisions I've had to make,

I want to really dive into my Bible

So I bought a new one and asked Josh what would be good to start with.

I'm starting James tonight.

Noah asked me if I'd be at church Sunday and why i usually am not there.

Well I'm going.

As for Crave.

It was something I never really experienced before.

I've been in our group when we've had intense prayer before

where everyone cries and everyone feels connected.

but something was different after this.

nothing I can actually describe.

except from my reaction when I looked out the window when Crave had ended.

"how is it nothing out there has changed"

and you kill me by doing nothing

i always come on here wishing i could say something super profound, but i got nothing.

but in the effort to do so i'll just steal one

the unexamined life is not worth living, man.

-Socrates ["man" added by demetri martin, makes it more personal]

well thats what ive been doing.

just looking at myself my life.

and how i've basically been just screwing around lately

i want to support myself. 

not just financially, but in everything

in my faith mostly actually.

i don't want to be using people as a crutch

i don't mean i shouldn't ask for help or want accountability

but i mean leaching off people

not even taking in opinions

or whatever, just regurgitating there own opinions.

i'm changing and i can tell.

and i kinda like it.

and I will love you even when you won't let me

I've kind of been waiting for some sort of jumping point.

you know, like to start really taking things seriously

waiting for a sort of "camp" experience and then i'd really start to

shape who i am.

that is such a horrible way of living.

really. it was stupid.

i don't need a jump start.

i need to see clearly and thats it.

i need to make moves to make myself better

i don't need a summer camp or something to get on  a God high

i need to want to be there.

and I do.

So if I asked you to stay,

You'll remind me that your mind's made up

And you've had enough of us

And I'd say wait...

I hold my breath and wait for your reaction

Stand my ground 'cause I'm not ready to back down

Oh I know but where could I go?

I'll wait for your reaction: Wait for your reaction

I don't think that i talk to anyone

about how I actually feel anymore

so my mom might be putting herself down on a job transfer list.

which means she is agreeing to be interviewed for a job that will

take her out of state, in this case Louisville, Kentucky.

I'm kind of encouraging the move.

I'm not really sure why, but i know i'd like the opportunity to get away

even though i technically can't, since as long as i stay a resident of MI

and go to a MI school, its already been paid for.

but still, I'd get to go away for a little i'd suppose

i feel like i need that.

remind me not to try and do anything special for people.