i wish:

that i was happy, like really happy with any of my relationships.

that i actually had some kind of life.

that school didn't absolutely suck.

that i didn't put myself in that school sucking situation.

that i could really truly change.

that i didn't feel like my new picture on flickr frequently.

and still:

all of that just makes me excited or tomorrow

not like the literal tomorrow

i mean i have a dentist appointment at 10:45

and a horrible sleeping problem

so not excited for that but

excited and terrified for the future.

but maybe its good to be scared. 

so, im kind of really pissed that this guy exsits

a professional photographer with the name... wait for it...

bill streicher

who has websites like

www.billstreicher.com

and

www.streicherphoto.com

 yeah, i find it stupid.

i feel like now if i ever want to

make a full website or whatever

i need to use a fricken pseudonym.

and thats just not fair

i should sue.

college sucks actually. regardless of anything I may have said before about liking it here. i think it took two very specific things to make me fully realize this though. hearing how much Ashley loves bowling green and school there. and then cody telling me he doesn't think he will come back to Wayne next semester. and it might be just Wayne sucks really. me and cody talked about it. living in detroit really sucks. the only place i really feel safe riding my bike by myself is on my campus which is like one block, not big at all. and no one is here on weekends. and everyone is pretty much inside the dorms or hanging out right in front of them by like 8 o'clock because theres nothing really on campus to do and not too many places in detroit you can feel safe just hanging out, except maybe Greektown. then add on the fact I'm failing Art History. I'm failing my Math class. and until i turn in my English paper I'm probably failing that, which isn't a big deal, as soon as i turn in that paper I'll have a good grade in the class again. but i don't know i really am not happy in school. or with school. or however you want to say it. I'm not sure where i could go where that opinion would change or whatever but i don't know. I don't like it here. I'm sick of people waking me up at 2 in the morning because they're screaming in the hallway or hanging out outside my room in the hallway until 4 or later. I hate how i feel unsafe taking my camera out when I'm around campus. i don't know what I want to do, but i don't really want to be here.

10-11-08

well, first time ever using this. i guess its cool. i had a photoshoot with this super cool girl. and even though excited as i was about this shoot i'm so much happier that it basically turned into just hanging out with ashley[pictured] and lynette hah now, i've known ashley for so long. like in grade school we knew each other but we didn't really talk until about 7th grade and then i haven't talked to her since about 9th other than like you know, saying hi at shows or  whatever. so really i had no idea what kind of person she became in those years. i could generally assume who she became by the mutual friends we had and so on, but i never really knew.

and honestly, i couldn't have been happier today to find out who she is. recently broken up with someone she loved. and still happier than ever.

she could just look on the positive of life and just be happy, and it was thanks to God.

and she knew it was because of God. which is surprising to me, just because of the people

i kept in contact with from my grade school not many of them grew up and into a relationship

with Christ. and it made me really happy to see someone who did, who really could get it. then add on the fact we got to go all nostalgic about St. Mikes which since i don't talk to any of those kids anymore , i don't really get that. so usually when everyone is just talking about things or people from early in life i'm on the outside of it looking in, and it really felt great to just be able to be in that, you know. a lot of times it really hurts to think that the friends i made early in life and throughout pretty much my sophomore year of high school i don't talk to at all, there's no attempt for communication so it felt really good, really really good, to hang out with ashley tonight.it's weird, i probably would never had said that i missed a friendship or anything like that with ashley before tonight. but now, it really hit me that i did. I honestly cannot explain how happy it made me to see the kind of person she has become, so even though she'll probably never read this, thanks ashley. hah i'm not too sure what to  thank you for, but i really only feels right to thank you.